Sunday, January 3, 2010

Happy New Year if you're Western

Yeah, everybody seem to celebrate the new year with the same calendar, but the Chinese have their own day, and I'm sure others do, too. I fail to see the real reason behind the holiday, it was a friday like any other day. Sun comes up, you check the traps for fresh meat, and bring the most appealing home for the day's eats.

I wish. I live in an apartment, and if I set up traps, all I'd get is cats and coons. Could make a day of meat out of them, probably make some interesting stories up about the missing posters that show up, but the coons are a rabies risk, and the cats are generally fatty. According to the other, they are fun to dissect. If my apartment were bigger, I'd save them for her. She loves dead stuff, and will kill me one day. She promised to make it quick, and I told her to go ahead, once I'm dead, who cares. She likes the idea, but wants me cremated, so she can keep me close. I doubt my family will allow it, but I'd be ok with it if they divvy up the ashes. One third to my parents, one third to my sister, and the rest to her.

Christmas was interesting. Her midgets love Christmas, and they really friggin scored. I wish I had done half as well as these brats. The best was a picture that one of the kids drew after I put together her art stand.

It's the stupid phone cam, but here is what it shows: The top is a couple hearts with legs and arms, and between them is "V. D." Inside the heart it says
"I Love Chocolate
"I love V.D.
"I love my family on V.D."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is real. Somewhere, the other has the original, and as she was drunk when she tried to remove it, the original is now torn and roughly folded somewhere. I hope to get a clearer picture of it later. When I walked in the room she made sure to tell me V.D. stood for Valentines Day. I don't think she has any idea why we were all laughing, but being a week shy of seven, I'm glad she didn't. She already knows too much about life.

PB has gone Loko, and is going to puke and hopefully sleep. His other has threatened to wake him up at 6, and he was stupid enough to set the alarm for her, so she can get the midgets to school on time.

I gotta get some hamsters tomorrow when I pick up the cat food. The cats will eat the hamsters, but only the ones still alive after the fights. Anyone out there fighting hamsters?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pscho bill gets slipped a something

Well, it's finally happened. I've gotten accidentally drunk. I have been shown what I did, it looks liike they have given me about half a fifth. Make that a tenth. Of vodak. I don't drink very often, but when I do, this is generally my favorite. I hate beer and things that have rotted to aquire alcohol, last time someone habnded me a beer I handed him a handfull of vomit. Yes, I hate beer, whether you flavor it grape, or water it down.

But I love vodka. If I could afford it, I'd drink the bacon type, but I can't. regular vodka hasn't got much flavor to me, so I'm only dealing witht he alcohol. the only thing better would be pure alcohol, then I could just add it to all my drinks in varying amounts, and be the fucking drunk I sometimes wish I was.

A few minutes ago, I thought I was drinking water. It wasn't water, it was vodka, and I didn't notice until the end of the Big Swig.

A few minutes ago, before the Big Swig, I was gfeeling nice and clean. Now I'm sweaty. I really miss my girl, if I explained that situtation you'd call me stupid, and maybe I am. When it's over this will be where I tell the world about it.

Anybody wanna hire a crazy person :)

An update on the enighbors: the one across the hall with the crazy mother isn't moving. The old gray longhair had told me she was, and that was why she was getting rid of stuff, but she told me a week ago she has bedbugs, so that's probably why she's clearing out her place. She deserves bedbugs, and so does her mother. Barb should have been aborted like her siblings, just like her mom.

Next door is having a lot of fun. I came out of my place and my neighbor was screaming her way down the hallway, right out the emergency exit. Her boyfriend came out and I asked if he'd beeb beating her again. He said he desn't beat people up, and I replied that he meant it's better to beat them down. He grinned, and we both laughed until the elevator doors closed.

I'm thinking of running a hamster tournament. The ones I mention in the blog Blame it on the Voices, which is probably what brough you here. You should bring enough hamsters to feed yourself and your guests, and I'll put some charcoal in the grill. It's getting a little chilly outside now, so I'll have an indoor area as well. The carpet is red, so blood spills won't be a big deal.

As far as competition goes, that'll be at an inside location, so the carcasses won't have long to wait before being put on the fire.

Hamster: The other snack meat.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I've been thinking about suggesting taxidermy to the wife. I've seen a lot of dead animals, a lot of mounted heads, and I wonder why. I've always liked the Smithsonian works, but your usual display is a head on a wall in some den. Not being a hunter, it's always confused me, the way a beast in a way that suggests it died in horrible, violent combat with the hunter, nearly killing the man, when the reality is the beast was probably sniped from half a mile away.

And then there are the deer hunters, who like to put the antlers on the wall, which makes sense in a way, being proud to have won the head stick lottery against all the other hunters. There isn't anything left of the rest of the animal, it's hopefully been eaten if the hunter has any respect for his kill and a good sausage grinder.

I've been looking for affordable mannequins for a long time, for a joke I've wanted to play for years. I won't reveal it here, but the theme is similar. You use the shapes to suggest the beast is involved in something impossible or unusual, such as carrying a large rock, several times it's size. Care could be taken to insure each display is entertaining. Nothing like a museum display, that while accurate and beautiful is still boring as hell. Something with little to no accuracy at all, just make it clear what the animal was and the message it's trying to get across.

Certain times of year, deer are in plentiful supply. When you find one, take a few pictures, preserve the scene, then have the animal, or what's left of it, prepared and put into a tableau of sorts. Maybe put something where the tire tracks are if it went that way, or maybe a piano being dropped on it's head if it was hit head-first.

If I had a house, my front yard would look like an industrial accident scene, there would be so much blood. Deer, maybe real roadkill from the neighborhood for real screams from the neighborhood. Birds, 'possum, anything dead can be made into a great Halloween scene. All I have to do is take some classes and gas up the car. The deer can double as reindeer, elf costumes can go on other things, the piano can be wrapped like a present.

Anybody know where I can get some mannequins, cheap?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Someone recently asked what I do when I'm bored.

Sometimes I drop cats off tall buildings to see if the fluffy ones fare any better than the short haired or hairless ones.

I set up cameras on the ground around where I think the thing will land, so I can record the angle they hit and the reactions of the people around the target area. If they get up and run, it gives me some idea what direction in which to look for them, since live ones are reusable. Cadavers would work, but finding live cats is a lot easier than dead ones.

I've been working on little kitty parachutes, really just small versions of the ones nutjobs use to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. They work, but I have to find a better way to attach them than the tail. It really seems to make them angry, and if they land on a person, that person is scarred for life.

I tried a version the cat could control itself, and it worked great. Last I saw it, the cat was trying to catch a bird in the air. Or hitch a ride.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Missing pets

There seems to be a problem around here with pets going missing. I saw a car parked on the sidewalk, and just as I was wondering if there had been unplanned orgasm, and angry looking woman gets out of the car. "Well, we know who isn't getting hers" I thought. She did her rich bitch strut to the power pole on the corner, and stapled up a poster. That explained the bad parking, and the subject of missing cat explained the mood. On the same pole is a notice for another missing pet, and there have been others recently. Mostly pit bulls and cats.

One can only wonder what is going on around here. I have come up with several theories.

1. They found out their balls are only booked for a limited engagement.

2. Somebody is putting up pit bulls against cats. There is an underground fight club that somebody hasn't invited me to yet. If you know where, we need to talk.

3. Free meat. That doesn't smell like beef on the grill next door.

4. The Dog (and Cat) Supply Store has had an inventory shortage. With only two oriental restaurants in the area, that doesn't seem likely.

5. Somebody is shaving them and they are hiding in the woods out of embarrassment.

6. Cats and dogs, living together...

7. Somewhere, in some little town, it is literally raining cats and dogs. They had to some from somewhere.

8. They're feeding them to the killer hamsters, bulking the hamster up before its' next fight.

If you know what is going on, let me know. I need new nightmares.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Do they come in that size?

My dear wife was complaining about her headache and just generally rotten day, when she mentioned a trip to Wal-Mart. This has always been a favorite establishment of mine, they havea wide selection of products, wide enough that just about any request can be justified. They sell guns and drugs in the same store, how much better could it get?

This is how much better. They hire the handicapped. I've always been one to encourage hiring the handicapped, they're fun to watch, and even more fun to screw with. Take this instruction given to her to help lighten her day: walk in to the store, as ask the greeter where you can find a cat-sized deep fryer.

So she strolls in, kids in tow, gets a cart and asks the poor old woman working her retirement days away where she can find a deep fryer big enough for a cat. The woman looks at her, checks her out, looks at the kids, the girl is sad, but the boy is overexcited. Her eyes get a little bit big for a second, but this is wal-mart. She decides not to ask, and sends them in the general direction of the fryers.

This, of course, was not the desired reaction. She wanted anything but to be seen as just another weirdo loser. The rage had started.

They went in, and as the kids argued over who would get the old pill bottles, she wandered around a bit until she found a rather large employee who was talking to a white girl with dreadlocks (which is just about the funniest thing you can see in public). She walked up to these two and asked the question. "Do you have any deep fryers big enough for a cat?"

They both look at her with the typical WTF expressions, and the wall-wart asks the question: "What would you need one that size for?"

She sighs, and replies "A cat. A dead one."

The wart seems relieved that the cat is already dead and not going to be boiled alive, but the hippie starts to freak a little. She tries to ask what they are doing with a dead cat, and of course the reply was a simple "fry it. For dinner. You take good meat where you can get it, there's a recession on and I got kids to feed."

Cue the kids. These kids have had a warped upbringing, and instantly pick up the cue to get involved if they want, and they both do. The little girl gives the sad eyes and says she loved Snuggles, and was going to miss her, and asked her mother if she could have her tail. The boy spoke up, happy to be a part of this, and says "I wanted the tail! I was the one that ran over her! She owes me that much for getting my bike all bloody!"

Wart goes into a sort of shock, and starts leading them to the fryers, while the hippie says "you cannot be taking them to get a fryer for their cat!

Wart says to her "I'm afraid not to." Wart keeps her distance from the wife and kids, but shows them to the aisle, points, says "You'll find what you're looking for there," and leaves them to compare fryers until the poor clerk has gone her way, with those weird images in her head.

I was hoping they would have picked out a fryer with the saleswoman, but the wife said she seemed too shocked to be able to take any more abuse, so she let her go.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Found cat

The other night, I was walking down the street, when I saw this on a pole about a block from here.