Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Someone recently asked what I do when I'm bored.

Sometimes I drop cats off tall buildings to see if the fluffy ones fare any better than the short haired or hairless ones.

I set up cameras on the ground around where I think the thing will land, so I can record the angle they hit and the reactions of the people around the target area. If they get up and run, it gives me some idea what direction in which to look for them, since live ones are reusable. Cadavers would work, but finding live cats is a lot easier than dead ones.

I've been working on little kitty parachutes, really just small versions of the ones nutjobs use to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. They work, but I have to find a better way to attach them than the tail. It really seems to make them angry, and if they land on a person, that person is scarred for life.

I tried a version the cat could control itself, and it worked great. Last I saw it, the cat was trying to catch a bird in the air. Or hitch a ride.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Missing pets

There seems to be a problem around here with pets going missing. I saw a car parked on the sidewalk, and just as I was wondering if there had been unplanned orgasm, and angry looking woman gets out of the car. "Well, we know who isn't getting hers" I thought. She did her rich bitch strut to the power pole on the corner, and stapled up a poster. That explained the bad parking, and the subject of missing cat explained the mood. On the same pole is a notice for another missing pet, and there have been others recently. Mostly pit bulls and cats.

One can only wonder what is going on around here. I have come up with several theories.

1. They found out their balls are only booked for a limited engagement.

2. Somebody is putting up pit bulls against cats. There is an underground fight club that somebody hasn't invited me to yet. If you know where, we need to talk.

3. Free meat. That doesn't smell like beef on the grill next door.

4. The Dog (and Cat) Supply Store has had an inventory shortage. With only two oriental restaurants in the area, that doesn't seem likely.

5. Somebody is shaving them and they are hiding in the woods out of embarrassment.

6. Cats and dogs, living together...

7. Somewhere, in some little town, it is literally raining cats and dogs. They had to some from somewhere.

8. They're feeding them to the killer hamsters, bulking the hamster up before its' next fight.

If you know what is going on, let me know. I need new nightmares.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Do they come in that size?

My dear wife was complaining about her headache and just generally rotten day, when she mentioned a trip to Wal-Mart. This has always been a favorite establishment of mine, they havea wide selection of products, wide enough that just about any request can be justified. They sell guns and drugs in the same store, how much better could it get?

This is how much better. They hire the handicapped. I've always been one to encourage hiring the handicapped, they're fun to watch, and even more fun to screw with. Take this instruction given to her to help lighten her day: walk in to the store, as ask the greeter where you can find a cat-sized deep fryer.

So she strolls in, kids in tow, gets a cart and asks the poor old woman working her retirement days away where she can find a deep fryer big enough for a cat. The woman looks at her, checks her out, looks at the kids, the girl is sad, but the boy is overexcited. Her eyes get a little bit big for a second, but this is wal-mart. She decides not to ask, and sends them in the general direction of the fryers.

This, of course, was not the desired reaction. She wanted anything but to be seen as just another weirdo loser. The rage had started.

They went in, and as the kids argued over who would get the old pill bottles, she wandered around a bit until she found a rather large employee who was talking to a white girl with dreadlocks (which is just about the funniest thing you can see in public). She walked up to these two and asked the question. "Do you have any deep fryers big enough for a cat?"

They both look at her with the typical WTF expressions, and the wall-wart asks the question: "What would you need one that size for?"

She sighs, and replies "A cat. A dead one."

The wart seems relieved that the cat is already dead and not going to be boiled alive, but the hippie starts to freak a little. She tries to ask what they are doing with a dead cat, and of course the reply was a simple "fry it. For dinner. You take good meat where you can get it, there's a recession on and I got kids to feed."

Cue the kids. These kids have had a warped upbringing, and instantly pick up the cue to get involved if they want, and they both do. The little girl gives the sad eyes and says she loved Snuggles, and was going to miss her, and asked her mother if she could have her tail. The boy spoke up, happy to be a part of this, and says "I wanted the tail! I was the one that ran over her! She owes me that much for getting my bike all bloody!"

Wart goes into a sort of shock, and starts leading them to the fryers, while the hippie says "you cannot be taking them to get a fryer for their cat!

Wart says to her "I'm afraid not to." Wart keeps her distance from the wife and kids, but shows them to the aisle, points, says "You'll find what you're looking for there," and leaves them to compare fryers until the poor clerk has gone her way, with those weird images in her head.

I was hoping they would have picked out a fryer with the saleswoman, but the wife said she seemed too shocked to be able to take any more abuse, so she let her go.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Found cat

The other night, I was walking down the street, when I saw this on a pole about a block from here.

My Neighbors

Several days ago, a couple of the inmates here decided to have it out a bit. I had put up with the noise for a little while when I decided to do something about it. Did I call the cops? Intervene? Nah, this was pure entertainment. I knew Ed wouldn't hit anybody, and Hope is a very volatile little woman with a big boyfriend. So, I grabbed my camera, set it to record, and went out to watch. This is the result.