Thursday, June 11, 2009

Do they come in that size?

My dear wife was complaining about her headache and just generally rotten day, when she mentioned a trip to Wal-Mart. This has always been a favorite establishment of mine, they havea wide selection of products, wide enough that just about any request can be justified. They sell guns and drugs in the same store, how much better could it get?

This is how much better. They hire the handicapped. I've always been one to encourage hiring the handicapped, they're fun to watch, and even more fun to screw with. Take this instruction given to her to help lighten her day: walk in to the store, as ask the greeter where you can find a cat-sized deep fryer.

So she strolls in, kids in tow, gets a cart and asks the poor old woman working her retirement days away where she can find a deep fryer big enough for a cat. The woman looks at her, checks her out, looks at the kids, the girl is sad, but the boy is overexcited. Her eyes get a little bit big for a second, but this is wal-mart. She decides not to ask, and sends them in the general direction of the fryers.

This, of course, was not the desired reaction. She wanted anything but to be seen as just another weirdo loser. The rage had started.

They went in, and as the kids argued over who would get the old pill bottles, she wandered around a bit until she found a rather large employee who was talking to a white girl with dreadlocks (which is just about the funniest thing you can see in public). She walked up to these two and asked the question. "Do you have any deep fryers big enough for a cat?"

They both look at her with the typical WTF expressions, and the wall-wart asks the question: "What would you need one that size for?"

She sighs, and replies "A cat. A dead one."

The wart seems relieved that the cat is already dead and not going to be boiled alive, but the hippie starts to freak a little. She tries to ask what they are doing with a dead cat, and of course the reply was a simple "fry it. For dinner. You take good meat where you can get it, there's a recession on and I got kids to feed."

Cue the kids. These kids have had a warped upbringing, and instantly pick up the cue to get involved if they want, and they both do. The little girl gives the sad eyes and says she loved Snuggles, and was going to miss her, and asked her mother if she could have her tail. The boy spoke up, happy to be a part of this, and says "I wanted the tail! I was the one that ran over her! She owes me that much for getting my bike all bloody!"

Wart goes into a sort of shock, and starts leading them to the fryers, while the hippie says "you cannot be taking them to get a fryer for their cat!

Wart says to her "I'm afraid not to." Wart keeps her distance from the wife and kids, but shows them to the aisle, points, says "You'll find what you're looking for there," and leaves them to compare fryers until the poor clerk has gone her way, with those weird images in her head.

I was hoping they would have picked out a fryer with the saleswoman, but the wife said she seemed too shocked to be able to take any more abuse, so she let her go.

No comments:

Post a Comment